leasaehne

~I hate looking my parents in the eyes and knowing that the number of secrets i'm keeping from them outnumbers everything i've ever told them in my life~

~I hate that on my birthday all i want is to be forgotton so i don't have to look at a birthday cake and hide my tears, my shame, and my guilt because i can't eat that~

~I hate pretending that everything is fine when inside i'm dying~

~ hate that i always feel like shit but in some strange way thats what keeps me going~

~I hate that people think they know everything about you when they find out you have an ED; but thats the whole reason you have to hide it; nobody understands what you're going through~

I avoid seeing people I care about to avoid eating food.  
i hate that i lie to people
i hate being afraid that my friends who know will tell someone
i hate sitting at a table and everyone asking me why im not eating

i hate picking out clothes, i always feel fat.
i hate hiding my ED from so many people
i hate when people call me thin when im really not. when im really FAT. HORRID AND FAT

I hate being awkward in social situations that involve food
I hate that people give me a hard time for being "too skinny" when I am obviously fat
I hate not being able to wear cute clothes often because I am so self concious

I hate having my mom buy me clothes that don't fit me, that I have to fit them
I HATE going out to dinner with friends and watching everyone have a wonderful time

I hate that I compare my body to every girl I see
I hate that even though my body is shutting down, I can't stop
I hate that I am a horrible example of vegetarianism
I hate that I count calories every day and weigh myself two to three times a day
I hate that indulding in ONE normal meal makes me depressed for a week, but it feels like forever
I hate that it never goes away
I hate that now every night i'm dreaming of pictures of skinny girls, bones, small waistlines, skinny legs, sad pale drawn faces...
I hate that I'm praying to be thin to the point of death.
I hate that I'm hurting myself, because I'm a child of God, and God made me to create, not destroy. 
I hate that I'm destructive, self-destructive. 
I hate the guilt of wasting food. 

I hate the loneliness. 
I hate not being able to tell people, and when I do tell people,
I hate the regret.  Like, I shouldn't have told her, I'm such a stupid, bad pro-ana. 
I hate having to justify myself to everyone for every little thing I do.
I hate that I need food to live
I hate when people tell me I have lost weight or am slim because it reminds me of how fat I really am
I hate that I am only happy when I am miserable, starving and alone
I hate that I bruise so easily - I knock into something and have a massive black bruise on me that lasts for weeks
I hate that when my sister hurts me, it hurts a lot more now than it did before I was ana.
I HATE that I am still fat after all of this
I hate feeling weak and lost and like a failure. 
I hate needing help
I hate that no one is helping me
I hate that I'm dying inside, where no one can see, and no one can help me with that.
I hate buying laxatives - spending money, and being embarrassed by weird looks from the cashiers.

I hate that my feet and hands/arms are always cold and sometimes fall asleep if I don't move them enough. 
I hate that I can't sleep
I hate that I have nightmares about this, about getting fat, about dying
I hate feeling like I have to plan everything just in case

I hate the what-ifs
I hate not knowing when there might be food involved and getting into a awkward situation
I hate saying "I don't eat" so I don't, I lie
I hate lying
I hate not having choices.
I hate that I have to eat at home whether I like it or not
I hate that no one understands
I hate crying when I'm alone
I hate crying
I hate feeling like such a pathetic loser who is good for nothing and useless
I hate feeling misunderstood
I hate that I can't even go for walks at home - no one lets me
I hate being at home, but I know that if I'm alone, I would be dead
I hate that I'd rather be dead
I hate my family for standing between me and thin
I hate being lectured
I hate that no one ever listens to me
I hate that no one hears me cry

And most of all...
I hate me

Oh, you can't see my future because there is an elephant in the way? 
Well, that makes sense.  I guess I am the elephant in the way of my future. 
My sister punched/pinched my stomach like a million times yesterday.  It hurts so much.  I hate myself for being such a fat elephant.  :( 
I'm 5'10'', and now I'm 120lbs, but I have to be less than 100, I think, to be thin enough.  So maybe 95 or something...  I hate myself.  
ughhhhhhhhhhh... And today is Sunday, so we have a stupid family brunch.  And it's always pasta in meat sauce.  I'm a vegetarian, so I already have a problem with the meat sauce.  And I'm fat, so I definitely have a problem with the pasta.  I need to learn to throw up, cause this is ridiculous.  I can't eat like this.  I'm so worried that I don't even want to get up (out of bed) - and I have tonssssssssss of homework, so this is bad.  I REALLY don't want to eat lunch though.  :( 
My mom is driving me absolutely crazy.  She keeps going like, you know, if something is wrong, you can talk to me.  Well, that's where she's WRONG!  Because I can't talk to her about anything, she always just ends up lecturing me and making me feel worse.  Either that, or we get constantly interrupted by other people in the house.  Besides, she would NEVER understand.  
I took tons of laxies last night to get rid of the disgusting muffin I ate yesterday.  (Forced, of course...) 
I hate myself so much. 
This is so dumb, and pointless though, posting here.  I'm just a tree alone in the middle of the forest, and no one hears me cry.  :( 

I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so 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myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  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much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
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I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
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I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die.
*cry*
I'm so alone. 
I'm so sad. 
I have no one to talk to. 
My mom thinks I'm gonna talk to her about this - yeah, right, and get beaten with a frickin rolling pin (the ones you smooth dough out for cookies)... 
I hate myself so much. 
I'm so fat. 
I'm so fat. 
I hate myself.
I don't see any way out of this.  I'm so broken. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die.

laxies are so miserable and hurting...  i'm all curled up in a ball and still hurting... so much...  :(  i know i did it to myself, i have no right to complain... 
but everyone's (and myself) is telling me it's worth it.  i don't want to be fat do i???  NO WAY!!  the pain is so worth it...  i'm so worried tho about being fatter and heavier tomorrow morning.  i'm like 2 pounds fatter already - just weighed myself...  *CRY*  this better work.  :(  

So, I'm new to LiveJournal.  I just found out of it from my pro ana friends.  It's really cool to be able to write whatever is on my mind.  I don't really have anyone to talk to usually, so this is great. 
Today's Thanksgiving (well, in Canada anyway...  I know in the US it doesn't come till like November).  It really sucks, because my parents had a stupid traditional huge meal...  Well, I give them credit for at least not pestering me about breakfast or lunch...  I was hungry all day - really great feeling, with the growling stomach and cravings and everything.  Spent most of the morning practicing (I play piano), and writing, and doing homework.  Which were all good distractions.  It was kinda embarrassing cuz my stomach was making so much noise, so I stayed in my room.  Does anyone have tips on how to make your stomach shut up?  (Other than eat - not an option).  Anyway, at like 6pm, we all got around the dinner table and ate.  i'm also a vegetarian, so turkey is not cool.  But everyone else in my family eats meat.  So they all think that it's okay to shove turkey down my throat...  Like, GROSSSSSSS!!!!!!!  So, yeah, I got a lot of the shoving turkey onto my plate and saying "just eat it one day, it's TRADITION, please, just to make mommy happy"...  Like, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!  I have no plan on getting FAT.  :(  Anyway, I ate a little just to make them all shut up.  I feel so sick now...  I also ate a bit of cranberry sauce, salad, and butternut squash.  GOSH, I ate SO MUCH.  So why is my stomach still making so much noise? 
Anyway, I have to purge, which is just miserable.  So I took 8 laxatives all at once (the max is 4 at once). 
I HATE Thanksgiving. 
I'm not going to eat again until Saturday.  (That's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday).  No prob.  But I have to have drinks...  Like coffee especially. 
Okay, I gotta get back to work.  Later.