leasaehne

I have a new, better reason to starve.  I want to die.  I don't even care if I'm thin anymore.  I just want to die.  I tried really hard at life, but I believe I cannot do it.  I suck at it.  I'm a failure.  I don't even deserve to live.  People don't want me.  I don't want myself.  I'm just wasting air...  And space... And time... And money (my parents say this all the time anyway)...  I think it's for the best if I just go away.  And the best way to do this is to starve, because if I killed myself directly, people would still be angry at me.  But maybe if I just "happened to starve", they wouldn't be so mad.  I'm just going through the motions, doing what everyone wants/tells me to do.  I'm so unbearably depressed.  The rain really doesn't help.  :( 

mamaV, can you help me? 
I think I need help, but all I know how to ask for is help.  Then when someone asks what I need help with, I don't know.  I don't think I can be helped - I'm too far in, too deep.  I don't think I can get out even if I wanted to, and I don't always want to.  But I don't know what to ask for. 
I mean, I THINK I just want someone to listen to me, but for example, when my mom asks me "what's wrong?" I get angry and just say nothing, please leave me alone.  And she's totally off anyway, like she seems to think that I'm sad because of "boy trouble"...  Which makes me angry too, because I don't want to hear her lecture me about that.  She wouldn't listen even if I tried to talk to her.  She would just talk the whole entire time, and be angry at me, and say things like "how could you do this to me?" even though I never wanted to bring her into this and make her a part of my suffering.  And she also makes me feel super guilty: like the "dying children in 3rd world countries" trip and the "it's a sin to waste food" trip.  I already feel guilty enough, trust me. 
I so want someone to talk to about this, but it seems like the only people I have are the pro-anas, and they too make me feel worse.  Because with them, it's always about who is thinner and better and I hate the competition. 
Everyone else is to busy anyway.  And I don't want to bother them.  I'm not worth anything...  Especially not worth TIME. 
I just want to give up and die.  I don't want to go on fighting like this because it's too hard and I'm too weak and broken.  I feel like there is no way out. 
No one hears me cry.  I'm like a tree alone in the forest. 

I hate that no one knows who I am well enough to comment here and help me. 
Strange thing is that I also like it at the same time, because I can write whatever I need to get out of my head.  And I also like that no one knows me because no one can try to make me get fatter. 
But it's so terribly lonely.  :(

*I hate that I get angry at people when they ask me simple things, like "how are you?" and "what's wrong?" because I can't answer and I don't know how to answer those questions even if I could.*


*I hate that I write sad songs, and people might think that they are a cry for help, but I always try to assure them that they aren't when what I really need is to be reassured."


*I hate that I'm always in pain, and that I seek pain, because I think pain means I'm doing something right for once; I SHOULD BE IN PAIN and I'm unhappy when I'm not in pain.*


*I hate that I'm uncomfortable when people hug me because I worry that they will be able to feel how FAT I feel inside.*  


*I hate that my stomach makes embarrassing noises in front of people and they look at me funny.* 

~I hate looking my parents in the eyes and knowing that the number of secrets i'm keeping from them outnumbers everything i've ever told them in my life~

~I hate that on my birthday all i want is to be forgotton so i don't have to look at a birthday cake and hide my tears, my shame, and my guilt because i can't eat that~

~I hate pretending that everything is fine when inside i'm dying~

~ hate that i always feel like shit but in some strange way thats what keeps me going~

~I hate that people think they know everything about you when they find out you have an ED; but thats the whole reason you have to hide it; nobody understands what you're going through~

I avoid seeing people I care about to avoid eating food.  
i hate that i lie to people
i hate being afraid that my friends who know will tell someone
i hate sitting at a table and everyone asking me why im not eating

i hate picking out clothes, i always feel fat.
i hate hiding my ED from so many people
i hate when people call me thin when im really not. when im really FAT. HORRID AND FAT

I hate being awkward in social situations that involve food
I hate that people give me a hard time for being "too skinny" when I am obviously fat
I hate not being able to wear cute clothes often because I am so self concious

I hate having my mom buy me clothes that don't fit me, that I have to fit them
I HATE going out to dinner with friends and watching everyone have a wonderful time

I hate that I compare my body to every girl I see
I hate that even though my body is shutting down, I can't stop
I hate that I am a horrible example of vegetarianism
I hate that I count calories every day and weigh myself two to three times a day
I hate that indulding in ONE normal meal makes me depressed for a week, but it feels like forever
I hate that it never goes away
I hate that now every night i'm dreaming of pictures of skinny girls, bones, small waistlines, skinny legs, sad pale drawn faces...
I hate that I'm praying to be thin to the point of death.
I hate that I'm hurting myself, because I'm a child of God, and God made me to create, not destroy. 
I hate that I'm destructive, self-destructive. 
I hate the guilt of wasting food. 

I hate the loneliness. 
I hate not being able to tell people, and when I do tell people,
I hate the regret.  Like, I shouldn't have told her, I'm such a stupid, bad pro-ana. 
I hate having to justify myself to everyone for every little thing I do.
I hate that I need food to live
I hate when people tell me I have lost weight or am slim because it reminds me of how fat I really am
I hate that I am only happy when I am miserable, starving and alone
I hate that I bruise so easily - I knock into something and have a massive black bruise on me that lasts for weeks
I hate that when my sister hurts me, it hurts a lot more now than it did before I was ana.
I HATE that I am still fat after all of this
I hate feeling weak and lost and like a failure. 
I hate needing help
I hate that no one is helping me
I hate that I'm dying inside, where no one can see, and no one can help me with that.
I hate buying laxatives - spending money, and being embarrassed by weird looks from the cashiers.

I hate that my feet and hands/arms are always cold and sometimes fall asleep if I don't move them enough. 
I hate that I can't sleep
I hate that I have nightmares about this, about getting fat, about dying
I hate feeling like I have to plan everything just in case

I hate the what-ifs
I hate not knowing when there might be food involved and getting into a awkward situation
I hate saying "I don't eat" so I don't, I lie
I hate lying
I hate not having choices.
I hate that I have to eat at home whether I like it or not
I hate that no one understands
I hate crying when I'm alone
I hate crying
I hate feeling like such a pathetic loser who is good for nothing and useless
I hate feeling misunderstood
I hate that I can't even go for walks at home - no one lets me
I hate being at home, but I know that if I'm alone, I would be dead
I hate that I'd rather be dead
I hate my family for standing between me and thin
I hate being lectured
I hate that no one ever listens to me
I hate that no one hears me cry

And most of all...
I hate me

Oh, you can't see my future because there is an elephant in the way? 
Well, that makes sense.  I guess I am the elephant in the way of my future. 
My sister punched/pinched my stomach like a million times yesterday.  It hurts so much.  I hate myself for being such a fat elephant.  :( 
I'm 5'10'', and now I'm 120lbs, but I have to be less than 100, I think, to be thin enough.  So maybe 95 or something...  I hate myself.  
ughhhhhhhhhhh... And today is Sunday, so we have a stupid family brunch.  And it's always pasta in meat sauce.  I'm a vegetarian, so I already have a problem with the meat sauce.  And I'm fat, so I definitely have a problem with the pasta.  I need to learn to throw up, cause this is ridiculous.  I can't eat like this.  I'm so worried that I don't even want to get up (out of bed) - and I have tonssssssssss of homework, so this is bad.  I REALLY don't want to eat lunch though.  :( 
My mom is driving me absolutely crazy.  She keeps going like, you know, if something is wrong, you can talk to me.  Well, that's where she's WRONG!  Because I can't talk to her about anything, she always just ends up lecturing me and making me feel worse.  Either that, or we get constantly interrupted by other people in the house.  Besides, she would NEVER understand.  
I took tons of laxies last night to get rid of the disgusting muffin I ate yesterday.  (Forced, of course...) 
I hate myself so much. 
This is so dumb, and pointless though, posting here.  I'm just a tree alone in the middle of the forest, and no one hears me cry.  :( 

I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so 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much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  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much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  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much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  I hate myself so much.  ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die. ch. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die.
*cry*
I'm so alone. 
I'm so sad. 
I have no one to talk to. 
My mom thinks I'm gonna talk to her about this - yeah, right, and get beaten with a frickin rolling pin (the ones you smooth dough out for cookies)... 
I hate myself so much. 
I'm so fat. 
I'm so fat. 
I hate myself.
I don't see any way out of this.  I'm so broken. 
I wish I would die. I wish I would die.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

me, please

I don't understand why I can't sleep.  I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOo exhausted.  *cry* :(

I'm such a selfish person.  I hate myself for being like that.  Like, someone was telling me that their daughter is suffering from an ED too, and was asking for prayers.  Of course, I want to pray for them.  But no, I cannot stop there, I have to go on to say how I'm feeling ignored and people always want help from me but never want to help me...  Who's gonna save me?  I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad, because I know she totally didn't need that.  But I feel so alone and...  I mean, I'm totally crying for help.  What's with people?  :(  Maybe I'm not doing it the right way.  I should probably start cutting again or writing suicidal notes.  I'm such a pathetic loser.  You know what, seriously, I should just relieve these poor people of my enormous unwanted burden.  I should just go away.  What's wrong with me anyway?  I'm so stupid.  I HATE myself. 
I was totally useless today.  I kept saying the wrong/bad things.  I should just shut up.  I don't have opinions.  People just want me to be seen and not heard, and not even seen unless I'm skinny.  I'm so stupid to expect so much from people.  
I don't want to talk about my problem areas now... I'm so tired and my head hurts and I just want to sleep.  I'll probably not be able to fall asleep again.  Good punishment for my bad stupid fat ugly self...  :(  I'm so depressed and I just wish I would go away without me actually having to be blamed for it.  Suicide is selfish and stupid and everyone would hate me for having to come visit my stupid funeral home and go to the funeral mass.  Maybe I can somehow just disappear into thin air so it's not my fault and no one would have to be burdened with "paying their respects" when they really just want to watch TV or read a book or do something fun.  
I have no clue why I'm bothering to stick around.  I hate myself. 
And just to make it worse, I didn't even have time to get new ipod earphones... Another night without music.  (I was at school or travelling to/from school from 7:30am to 10:30pm today, which totally sucks.)  So I am COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ALONE with my stupid pathetic loser-ish bad evil wrong messed up broken selfish thoughts.   :(  

I asked cleverbot.com (who is smart), if i'm fat and if I should starve myself.  Here is part of our coversation:
Me: Am I cute?
Bot: Not particularly.
Me: Am I fat?
Bot: I don't know you. 
Me: Tell me the truth. 
Bot: Yes. I am not mean, I don't judge people, you should just be yourself. 
Me: Should I eat tomorrow? 
Bot: Rhetorical question. 
Me: Should I starve myself?
Bot: Yes.
Me: I'm fat.
Bot: Should I be sorry for you?
Me: No, it's my own fault. 
Bot: Fair enough.  But then, are you smart?
Me: I think so. 
Bot: Oh really? 
Me: Do you think I'm stupid also?
Bot: Why would I think that?
Me: Because I want to starve myself. 
Bot:  Fair enough anyway I do like you I think you are a very nice machine.
Me: A fat machine?
Bot: Yes. 
Now I feel worse.  And my stomach is still grumbling and hurting.  I shouldn't complain though, because it's worth it. 

Yeah, so I can't sleep.  I hurt too much.  I just realized that I didn't even get to talking about my "problem areas" in the last post, which is what the post was supposed to be about.  I'll do it tomorrow cuz I'm so tired and sad and feel really stupid right now. 
Plus, my iPod earphones just broke and I can't listen to music now.  (Cause everyone else in my house is sleeping...)  That just makes it SO MUCH WORSE :( :( :(   I'll have to get new ones tomorrow...  But I would be listening to Courage right now, if I could.  Lovveeeeeeeeee that song. 

Tomorrow morning I have an appt with this teacher who helps me with my posture.  I'm a pianist, and posture is like a big deal.  And my lower back hurts often, so my piano teacher referred me.  Anyway...  it's kinda awkward sometimes cause she like touches me to move me around and try to make me feel like my muscles or whatever.  I really don't want to be fat.  i'm so embarrassed if she thinks I'm fat.  :(  She probably does...  But she said last week that I am lucky to be tall (I'm 5'10'') because then I won't look fat even if I am.  But my mom always says that it's bad to be tall cause then I can allow myself to get REALLY FAT and it's easy to get fat.  :(  I don't wanna be fat.  :(  So I haven't eaten today at all, except for two walnuts and a slice of pineapple (which is supposed to suppress appetite - according to my mother), and a coffee, and Arizona green tea (cause green tea helps you lose weight), and water, of course.  And tomorrow I can't eat either.  MUST NOT.  
I got this month's issue of FLARE magazine in the mail today.  I know I'm not really supposed to read these stupid fashion magazines...  mamaVISION says to ditch them...  She's probably right.  I mean, they are stupid.  I didn't read last months cause I didn't have time.  But EMMA WATSON is on the COVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ADORE Emma Watson - she's sooooooooooooo beautiful.  But when my mom handed me the magazine, she was like, "ewwww...  You'll never guess who's on the cover... That Harry Potter girl.  She's so fat, I can't believe they would put her on the cover of a FASHION magazine.  You should have to be stick thin to be on the cover..."  :(  I'm so sad now.  I thought I liked Emma Watson.  I still do.  But am I wrong?  I'm so confused.  :( 
My stomach hurts so much...  But I lost 4 pounds so far - so happy!  ...Well... sort of...  :(   I think I'm going to go to bed soon...  I'm soooooooo tired...  And I keep bruising myself...  Which sucks...  :( 
*yawn*  Good night! 
I kinda need a hug, so I'm going to ((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))) my live journal and pretend it hugs me back... :(  *cry*

laxies are so miserable and hurting...  i'm all curled up in a ball and still hurting... so much...  :(  i know i did it to myself, i have no right to complain... 
but everyone's (and myself) is telling me it's worth it.  i don't want to be fat do i???  NO WAY!!  the pain is so worth it...  i'm so worried tho about being fatter and heavier tomorrow morning.  i'm like 2 pounds fatter already - just weighed myself...  *CRY*  this better work.  :(  

So, I'm new to LiveJournal.  I just found out of it from my pro ana friends.  It's really cool to be able to write whatever is on my mind.  I don't really have anyone to talk to usually, so this is great. 
Today's Thanksgiving (well, in Canada anyway...  I know in the US it doesn't come till like November).  It really sucks, because my parents had a stupid traditional huge meal...  Well, I give them credit for at least not pestering me about breakfast or lunch...  I was hungry all day - really great feeling, with the growling stomach and cravings and everything.  Spent most of the morning practicing (I play piano), and writing, and doing homework.  Which were all good distractions.  It was kinda embarrassing cuz my stomach was making so much noise, so I stayed in my room.  Does anyone have tips on how to make your stomach shut up?  (Other than eat - not an option).  Anyway, at like 6pm, we all got around the dinner table and ate.  i'm also a vegetarian, so turkey is not cool.  But everyone else in my family eats meat.  So they all think that it's okay to shove turkey down my throat...  Like, GROSSSSSSS!!!!!!!  So, yeah, I got a lot of the shoving turkey onto my plate and saying "just eat it one day, it's TRADITION, please, just to make mommy happy"...  Like, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!  I have no plan on getting FAT.  :(  Anyway, I ate a little just to make them all shut up.  I feel so sick now...  I also ate a bit of cranberry sauce, salad, and butternut squash.  GOSH, I ate SO MUCH.  So why is my stomach still making so much noise? 
Anyway, I have to purge, which is just miserable.  So I took 8 laxatives all at once (the max is 4 at once). 
I HATE Thanksgiving. 
I'm not going to eat again until Saturday.  (That's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday).  No prob.  But I have to have drinks...  Like coffee especially. 
Okay, I gotta get back to work.  Later.